I suppose I want this to be an optimistic blog, mostly because I want to be an optimistic person. I want to tell you all the things that are so wonderful around us, and all the wonderful things to come in Thailand. And that’s really why I haven’t written in a few days. I’m scared.
There are so many aspects of our move to Thailand that are setting in as we get closer and take more steps toward January 19. We’re without jobs, reaching the deadline for raising support, watching our bank account drop, starting to say goodbyes…
And it’s emphasized this week. We’re in Tennessee, enjoying a wonderful vacation with Stephen’s family. It’s been fun to have three infants here, a four-year-old addicted to Aunt Katherine, and lots of tired adults, drained in a few different directions. As much as I try to celebrate the laughter, meals, games, and even tears, a picture keeps running through my head: it’s next Christmas, when there are three kiddos toddling across the floor, a five-year-old with more mischief, and who knows what else. And I think of my family, where there will be another baby (!) next Christmas, along with Chris and Jenn from England, and the whole family [almost] together.
I don’t know how to take it in. I don’t know how to wrap my mind around all the changes that will occur in two years, with more babies born to people we love, babies turning into toddlers, engagements, weddings, new jobs, graduations, and retirements.
But I don’t feel like we have a choice. I suppose we do, but not really. I understand only a fraction of the sacrifice, and I understand only a fraction of the call. But I really believe we’re supposed to go, enough that it’s worth sacrificing these things. Well, maybe not worth it, but necessary.
There is so much ahead. And there have been so many tears recently. I have never felt so small, so unworthy, and so unqualified for the next step.
See how depressing that is? I’ll need to limit blog posts while I’ll wrestle through that. I’ll post some photos to make up for it.
First, with our dear friends. We miss you so much!
And with Stephen’s family in the Smokies…